Log in

April 2006   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

ode to intoxicants

Posted by doesthemagkdrgn on 2006.01.08 at 21:47
The romantic chemical is flowing
Through my bleach washed veins
The hallucinogen, the intoxicator,
Is fazing my peripheral gaze.
My sight casts forward
Sharp like a jagged point
Drawing inwards to create a path
Hollow as the home of thought.
I see specks of other planes
Dance before my companion's face
They float like safe little bugs
No fear of a stinger, they dance for love.
Always ignored, my companion stares on
Out the window where the world
Drags along the floor.
And the chemicals pump on
Till they strip the blood to the quick
And track their mark along my skin
Festering and as ugly as a newborn.

this poem was written in stages, all of which was while i was on something, so if some of it seems a little strange thats why. the 'bugs' that i saw were the little black specks you can see sometimes when you stand up too fast.
hope you liked.


kau666 at 2006-01-11 07:10 (UTC) (Link)
can i do the editing first? y'know, the standard Kate Spelling/Grammar Nit-Picking (TM)?
bleached, veins, hallucinogen, jagged, festering.

now that's out of the way, this is the best thing of yours i've ever read. it's really great, really evocative, and i'm really impressed. i have a few more picks/questions though:

Line Two: do you mean washed by bleach, in which case it should be bleach washed, or bleached and washed, in which case you need a comma ie. bleached, washed?
Line Three: fazing? faze: disconcert, perturb. is that really the word you mean? maybe you mean something closer to haze which would be easy to confuse.
Line Whatever: Always ignored, my companion stares on. not sure who's ignored here, you or the companion, but that's really up to interpretation and not a pick, unless you mean for it to be obvious and then editing is required.

i hope you take this as useful and not tearing apart

how about this, you re-write this and i'll re-write my slithering words drabble, and we'll come back and compare re-writes?

and if it isn't already obvious, yes, i liked. i liked very much.
hopefully when he comes back from the dead, matt will like too.
Puff the Magic Dragon
doesthemagkdrgn at 2006-01-12 14:34 (UTC) (Link)
the bleached washed veins (always get the A and E mixed up on that one) was an on the spot add in as the line wasn't fully filled out and broke the rythm of the poem, originally it was
The romantic chemical is flowing
Through my veins
which is closer to one line following the flow of the rest of the poem.
the "always ignored" i realised was ambiguous(?) when i typed it out. i'm actually refering to the "bugs". i was trying to create an idea that although these bugs of love are imaginary i (or the author, depending if you're a post modernist) i still expect others to see them, but they're just ignored.
the fazing was part of the first stage when i was most out of it, but i think i'd keep the word even tho it's more pop culture than real (such as groovy, or whacked) because at the time i was fazing in and out of consciousness (between imaginary state and real). it's more a comment on my mental state than on my vision, tho i don't expect the reader to understand that.
you're right, i should be bleach washed. i was wondering why that line didn't work.
i'm not sure how to change the ignored line while still keeping the flow. perhaps
No fear of a stinger, they dance for love,
Though always ignored. My companion stares on
Out the window...
hmm... that may work, i'll make those changes now.
crusty_mcboobs at 2006-01-14 02:18 (UTC) (Link)
hey everybody, sorry about my absence, i had a busy couple of weeks there.
brain hadn't quite recovered from new years before being socked with my
22nd birthday and then craploads of (paid) work. my creative output in
that time was ... zip.
ok, on to the poem. i think its pretty telling that u say you wrote it in
stages, and you mustve been on *different* substances because that's what
it sounds like, the 'romantic chemical' turning into something 'festering
and ugly'. or is this a kind of reflection on being pissed, that it can
start off with you floating and 'safe', and end up feeling scorned and a
bit tarnished?
anyway i think your revision would be a good idea, making it clear that the
'bugs' of love are being ignored, not your companion. but hey its a good
poem and its pretty impressive to be putting this stuff into lyrical form.
i shall post, i shall post soon!
Previous Entry  Next Entry